


at once i knew i was not magnificent

by doubleblind



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 00:29:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/919847
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doubleblind/pseuds/doubleblind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He's never had anyone like this before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	at once i knew i was not magnificent

**Author's Note:**

> i blame [raimi](http://gunboots.tumblr.com/) & [fishuu](http://buyavowel.tumblr.com/).

When it snows in late September, it catches them off guard. The pool doesn't freeze over but the water is too cold to swim in. Haru crouches next to the pool and combs his fingers through the water, looking morose.

"Let's go to the hot springs!" Nagisa suggests.

"That doesn't help us get ready for the meet," Gou says, "Besides, we don't have the funds."

"We'll train inside," Makoto decides.

Rei stands apart from them, looking past the fence at the fields beyond. The snow collects in his hair and the breath from his parted lips fogs up his glasses with every exhale.

Nagisa touches his shoulder. Rei starts and looks back at them. An apology jumps to his tongue but dies before it passes his lips.

"Are you okay?" Makoto asks.

"I--" Rei says, and then eases into a smile. "Yes. I'm fine."

_____

Rei hears the footsteps approaching but he doesn't expect the hand grabbing at the back at his elbow as someone tries to use him to steady themself. The momentum sends the two of them sprawling into a pile of grey snow. Rei catches the whiff of chlorine and shower soap that tells him that Nagisa was the one who tripped into him.

"Sorry!" Nagisa says, entirely too close to Rei's face before he pushes himself up back onto his feet. "Sorry!" he chirps again.

"You could have killed us," Rei says without any real heat. He takes the hand that Nagisa offers and pulls himself up. He looks down at his jacket: a smudge of dirt water soaked against his lower back. He brushes the snow from his sleeves.

"I can help you clean it," Nagisa says.

"It's fine," Rei says and turns away to continue towards the train station.

"Hey wait!" Nagisa says, leaping forward the few steps to fall in step alongside Rei. "Aren't you going to run?"

"Not today," Rei replies.

"Too icy," Nagisa agrees. Rei walks faster.

"You seem really distracted today," Nagisa says as he follows him up onto the train platform. 

Rei doesn't reply. Nagisa must finally get the message because he doesn't say anything else.

_____

In the morning, Rei finds a post-it stuck to a bottle of soda in his locker. The note reads: _What do butterflies drink? See you at practice, Rei-chan!_

Rei goes through his locker carefully to see if anything is missing and then feels ashamed for not trusting Nagisa. He shuts it without taking the bottle with him and goes to his first period.

Later, when he's exchanging his math books for chemistry ones, he accepts the unspoken apology and takes the soda to the third period he shares with Nagisa.

_____

On a Saturday morning, the swim club visits the beach for the last time before it closes for the season. Gou stops berating them about the impending meet long enough to come along and dig for clams with a stick even though the season for clamming has long passed.

Haru walks several meters ahead, hands in his pockets. Nagisa and Makoto talk quietly about Haru and Rin with their heads bent together while Rei is a few paces back, lagging between the two of them and Gou who keeps stopping to poke at the sand.

Rei tilts his head back and stares at the sky. It's a pale blue, dotted with small clouds. Pretty.

Makoto's shouted, "Haru!" makes his chin jerk down. Haru's taken his clothes off and he's about to dive into the water even as Makoto is running at him and yelling, "You're going to get hypothermia!"

"Are you crazy?" Gou shouts as she breaks into a run while waving her stick. "We can't compete if you die!"

Nagisa looks back and meets Rei's eyes. They break out into laughter at the same time

This is nice: a shared moment between friends.

_____

They place second to last. Makoto says they should still go out to dinner to celebrate their best effort. Gou excuses herself and gets on the train alone, red-eyed. Nagisa is quiet and Makoto's voice is too cheery to be genuine. Haru is silent but Haru has never talked much

"I should probably go home too," Rei says, "I'm really tired."

"I'll come with you," Nagisa says. Rei's heart sinks but he forces himself to smile anyway.

Nagisa flips his hood up and fiddles with his zipper the entire train ride. Rei grips the pole and stares at the fast-passing landscape without taking any of it in.

Nagisa is one stop down but he gets off at Rei's stop. They stand, suspended in motion as the rest of the passengers pass around them to exit the station.

"I just wanted to make sure that you knew that none of us blame you," Nagisa says as he looks up at Rei, "Because I think I know you pretty well and you're probably rerunning calculations about whatever velocity or angle of entry or whatever and kicking yourself." He smiles. "We're all out of shape. We all did our best. You did your best."

"You've been swimming for years," Rei says. He feels stiff and uncertain, "I can barely swim. Of course I'm going to hold you back."

"Without you," Nagisa says, "We wouldn't even have a swim team."

Rei swallows.

"Please cheer up." Nagisa smiles. It looks real despite his slumped shoulders--and even though it's half hidden in the shadow of his hood, Rei thinks it is beautiful.

_____

He asks Nagisa to go out for coffee with him It just slips out after practice before Rei can swallow the words.

Nagisa looks at him, eyes wide. And then he breaks into another one of those smiles and he starts telling Rei about his favorite type of pastry at the cafe where they absolutely have to go.

_____

"Your room is exactly how I imagined it to be," Nagisa says, dropping his bookbag onto the floor before sitting in Rei's desk chair and spinning around. Rei picks the bookbag up and hangs it on the wall rack next to where he's already hung up his own bookbag. He turns to find Nagisa smiling at him.

"It's very neat," Nagisa says, "Organized." He's still smiling, "Compulsive, even."

Rei feels his face starting to heat but Nagisa breaks into giggles, "I'm kidding. You could be an interior decorator if you wanted. Your room is great!"

Rei turns to fumble with his bookbag a moment, to get his textbooks out. Nagisa gets off the chair and sprawls himself across Rei's bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Hey Rei," Nagisa says, "You've had other friends who joke around with you, right?"

Rei puts his books on his desk and doesn't answer. He opens one to the page with their homework and starts to work. After a while, he realizes that Nagisa hasn't said anything and looks over his shoulder.

Nagisa is curled up on his side with his eyes closed. Rei lets him sleep and goes back to his work.

_____

It's late at night and they're returning home from a ramen shop Makoto had suggested. The leaves scatter across the street with a wayward gust of wind. Nagisa tightens the scarf around his neck as they move from one pool of golden light to the next.

"Sometimes," Rei says as they pass under a streetlamp. Nagisa looks at him in the dark. "Sometimes I don't think I quite fit with all of you."

Nagisa doesn't say anything. He pulls his hand out of the pocket of his coat and touches Rei's arm. Rei looks at him. They keep walking but Rei doesn't move away. Nagisa slides his hand down Rei's sleeve until it's on his wrist.

Rei pulls his hand out of his own coat. Nagisa slips his hand into Rei's, locking their fingers together. They keep walking, slipping in and out of orange light. Rei looks down at their joined hands, just for a moment.

"Sometimes," Rei confesses, "I think I shouldn't be here. I think Rin should be here instead." He watches his own words form in the cold air, the syllables riding out on a cloud.

"That's stupid," Nagisa says. His grip on Rei's hand tightens.

They're quiet for a while. A cat crosses into their pathway and looks at them before disappearing into the night.

"I'll walk you home," Rei says. He doesn't let Nagisa's hand go.

_____

The snow arrives one morning and refuses to leave. Rei spends most of homeroom staring out the window.

They're dismissed for lunch. Rei realizes only then that he's forgotten his.

He doesn't say anything. He opens his history book at the table and reads the same paragraph over and over.

Halfway through the lunch period, Nagisa nudges his arm with his elbow. He slides over half his curry and holds out his chopsticks.

_____

"You don't like snow," Nagisa says when they're walking home after practice. He's got the habit of kicking chunks of ice down the pavement until a poorly aimed kick lands the chunk into the street and he has to find a new piece. Rei doesn't mind.

"No," Rei agrees.

"Too cold?"

"No," Rei says. He shoves his hands deep into the pockets of his coat and watches the ice chunk ricochet off a fence. He licks his lips before saying, "My sister and my father died in a snowstorm."

"Oh." They pass the ice chunk and Nagisa makes no move towards it. "I'm sorry," he says.

"it was a car crash. It was a long time ago," Rei says. They walk on a little bit before Rei adds, "I just think about it a lot when it first starts snowing."

"You know, you can talk to us," Nagisa says. And then quieter, "You can talk to me. About anything."

"Yeah," Rei says. He breaks off a new ice chunk for Nagisa with the heel of his shoe.

Nagisa gives a surprised laugh and Rei smiles.

_____

Rei pulls himself out of the pool and takes the towel that Nagisa holds out to him. He sits with his legs dangling in the water and towels his hair dry.

Nagisa sits down next to him. He grins and nudges Rei with an elbow. "You're really taking to the water. Haru would be proud of you."

Rei smiles back. He's felt the changes himself: his strokes are more precise, his form more elegant.

"I'm proud of you too," Nagisa says softly.

Rei looks at him. Nagisa's legs are waving slowly in the pool. His head is turned towards Rei but he's looking at the water.

It's the easiest thing in the world to lean forward and kiss Nagisa.

_____

It starts in the locker room: pressing Nagisa up against the wall and slowly sliding his mouth over the pulse in his neck, holding his wrists and laughing into his skin.

A long walk home, keeping their hands to themselves, but just looking at each other wordlessly. Nagisa's eyes linger too long on Rei's lips and they exit at the same stop, one after the other.

Everything he didn't know he wanted: his hair spread over Rei's pillow, the open gasp of his mouth as he arched against Rei, fingers digging into Rei's back. It's awkward and horrible really--too many limbs and too much enthusiasm: they push against each others' bare skin until Rei collects both of them in one hand and Nagisa comes with a quiet whimper.

_____

Before dawn, Nagisa wakes and rolls away from Rei. He steps around the cold room, shivering as he collects his clothes and puts them on.

Rei watches him open a window and test the branch of the tree next to it. He thinks he should say something but it's still far too early for _I love you_ 's and he's beyond any theory now, in territory without a map. What could he say?

Nagisa turns and looks at him. Rei doesn't want to pretend to be asleep any more so he sits up.

They look at each other. Rei breaks out into a smile.

And the smile just before Nagisa turns and crawls out the window to go home--it's the most beautiful thing that Rei has ever seen.


End file.
